Starting Over

You know, I’ve been thinking. It’s now officially been over a year (and a few weeks…jesus) and I think it’s high time I start writing in here again. I lost so much clarity on what I wanted to write that I just dropped it. Writing somehow became mundane and something I felt I had to keep up with. My work and photography seemed dry. I stopped caring.

Downtown Manhattan skyline from the transit ferry (I was coming back from Rockaway Beach) this past November. If you live in New York, come take a ferry with me somewhere! They have beer! 

So much of my life lately has been filled with uncertainty. I left my full-time job in March of this year without any safety net what-so-ever, ended then started then ended a long term relationship with someone I thought I wanted to marry, got a dog to replace him, got another boyfriend, that ended, and tried starting a new career/somehow pay my rent. I wonder if that sounds like I’m whining about my life or maybe it’s just what everyone goes through, but right now it’s got me all out of sorts.

The new man in my life: Kevin. Now 2 years old, this kid has given me more perspective on responsibility and how it must feel to have human children. @kevinisagoodboy

I haven’t been myself lately. All this uncertainty has brought me down a dark, sad, lil lonely ass road. Some days I feel like I’ve fallen so far behind in every part of my life, and other days I feel like I own the world somehow. But in-between those drastic ups and downs, I’ve discovered parts of myself. Parts I forgot, parts I love, and parts I hate. And finding out more parts of myself are important to me. I’m not that alright with myself at the moment (mentally nor physically) and I’m trying to find some semblance of peace with that. I’d like to not be so annoyed at myself, but I’m stuck in this body and see this person everyday. Sometimes it’s just not easy.

Sponsored content with JcPenney in 2016. Hat & thermal from JcPenney brand. Coat by Belstaff.

I want to start writing again. I want to start creating again. I want to travel this year. I don’t want to be limited by the fear of what I think other people think of what I write, or post, or look like. I have to let go of that fear and try to not be such a baby about sharing my life or my feelings, or whatever I want to say. This is my blog, dammit. I started writing the book I’ve always said I wanted to write and discovered I actually really do love writing. I thought I hated it, but lol it’s liiiike reallllly enjoyable. By the way, the book’s about my amazing family (is crazy) but I’ll tell you about that later.

Picture perfect lol. My mother (Karen), sister (Emily), myself, brother (Jacob), and my father (Tim) on Easter. Outfits (seriously, this is not a joke) were not planned but can you tell we’re related? Photo by the other sister I always wanted Chelsea Kyle

I’ve been at a crossroads with doing more and more promoted posts on my Instagram and how that feels/looks for my authenticity and fulfilling a career in prop styling or art direction. So, I haven’t been open to much writing because I’ve been hiding from it. I don’t know what to do, so I just don’t. Gotta work on that. But, that’s what’s happening to me. I’ve put writing the book on hold and pursuing other points of passion that I have because I’m scared. SO I’M TRYNA BE RID THIS BITCH OF A FEAR. But…I’m going to find a way to put all of this into a blender and see if I can’t make something incredible.

Photography by Chelsea Kyle food styling by Laura Rege prop styling by yours truly for Epicurious  (linked here!)) in September.

Anyway, I want to share again. And I want to stop making excuses for myself. I want to see new things and do more shit. So if you’ve made it this far – thanks for reading what I have to say. I appreciate you took the time to read this. Also, let’s be friends. Please comment and let me know if I’m a jack ass or if you feel me. Also Hi!

Let’s see how it goes 🙂

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  • Shanna
    December 12, 2018 at 12:54 pm

    Hey babe! Such an authentic read, you’re not alone in this mixy thing we call “life”! It’s trial and error :)) xxx

    • Nathaniel James
      December 12, 2018 at 1:54 pm

      Hey lady! Thanks for the kind words 🙂 trial and error till the end hahah miss you!

  • Allie
    December 12, 2018 at 6:18 pm

    I loved this. Keep writing. Please?

  • Paul Margolin
    December 12, 2018 at 10:56 pm

    Thanks for sharing what’s going on with you , I know I’m only one of many who miss your presence when you are quiet. I want to hear a step by step, high and lows, they are all part of the process. Highs are better then lows but both are ok…. ❤️❤️

  • Paul Margolin
    December 12, 2018 at 10:57 pm

    Thanks for sharing what’s going on with you , I know I’m only one of many who miss your presence when you are quiet. I want to hear a step by step, high and lows, they are all part of the process. Highs are better then lows but both are ok…. ❤️❤️